The next Chapter

Now I will shift from my childhood mental abuse from my dad to a mix of physical and mental/emotional abuse from my ex-boyfriend who I will call 'L'.

L and I started dating our senior year of high school and we were planning our future together all the way up to about August 2014. Up until that point I have 100% no doubt that he was the man I was going to marry and have a family with. In August of 2014 he decided that it was in our best interest  to move us from Lockhart to Buda with his parents and his 3 younger siblings.

For me it was really hard to be around so many people what felt like all the time. Growing up I felt like an only child, I didn't have many friends till I was 16 so I was alone most of the time. I would find ways to entertain myself and I was so use to it being me, myself and I. Like I told L after the break up yes I have a family growing up but we weren't really a family. We were all like roommates if even that. So going from a not really family type of living to family all around you living was hard for me.

What no one could really respect was the fact that I wanted my space and that I was uncomfortable being around so many people. Even now just thinking about how they were around so much its making it hard for me to breath because I feel so overwhelmed. I never really understood why I would get angry at times when it came to his family until after the brake up and I gave it some thought. 

I actually didn't mind living there for a few months...well from August 2014-January 2015. Then in January I found out that L was keeping something from me since we moved in over there. L finally told me that he was smoking weed with his sister. I was upset but not about the weed part I didn't really care about that. I was upset about 3 things. 

1. He hid this so well from me for several months, so what else is he hiding?

2. That his sister was doing it with him and I thought mine and her relationship was good enough that we would be able to talk about this.

3. That again he was doing it with his sister! He would sneak out when I was asleep and go to the garage with her and smoke.

There were times that I would wake up and not find him in our room and I would ask him about it and he would take a second to think of something to make up. When I did find out I wanted to do it with him because he had distanced himself from me and I wanted to close that gap between us. So I did it with him multiple times to get close to him. At the time I was applying for jobs at multiple places and I lost out of a job because of this. He said sorry that it cost the job but pretty much said it was my own damn fault because I choose to do it and that I was a dumb ass for doing it while applying for jobs. Which ya I know that but he and his sister were the ones that brought it to me.

I know that if it was the other way around he would be just as angry as I was, but I wasn't allowed to be angry at him? I could only be angry at myself because he made me feel like that was 100% my fault. After I found out about this secret I wondered what else he was keeping from me. For me trust is something that I don't give out easily and most people even family only get one chance with my trust. L broke my trust and he never showed me why he should get my trust back.

We tried to get back to "normal" but nothing was the same. L was a lot more distant with me and everyone really. I would try to talk to him about anything  and he would shut me out. I would make suggestions on things to do like going to the park with our dog or going out to the movies or an arcade or something as long as it wasn't inside the house. He would say ya maybe or 99% of the time he shot me down and said that those are stupid and that I was stupid for wanting to doing that when we had Netflix and gaming systems at the house. It was like that for as long as I could remember.

For the Fourth of July 2015 his family and I all took a road trip to Florida. I was starting to get severe knee pain, that I later found out was because a torn meniscus, and being in a cramped car with my knee in a constant bend was extremely painful. So when we would get out and walk around I had a brace on and I was in extreme pain and I couldn't walk that much. I didn't want to be the person everyone was waiting on so I pushed myself through the pain. Most of the trip I was almost in tears because of the pain and I went through over 30 Aleve tablets in 3 days and it wasn't helping much.

Again to him I was still suppose to be happy and have a great time and not be taking breaks and that my pain was all in my head. So I shouldn't be mad or anything like that, but I was mad. I was mad that I was in pain and nobody really cared. I was mad that if a stopped to rest my knee him and his siblings would roll their eyes at me. They made me feel guilty for looking out as best as I could for my own health. While I was still in Florida I made an appointment for the day or two after we got back

When we got back from the trip that's when the physical abuse happened. It only happened twice and I blocked out most of the details but there was a time where I remember what led up to it. We were upstairs in our living room area and he was mad that I wanted to sleep since it was like 12 am and I choose sleep over hanging out with his family from Houston. I was arguing how they all were being extremely loud and that I needed to sleep some before work at 10 am. He came back and called me a lazy piece of trash. I was the one that initiated physical contact first by giving he a small shove and saying don't call me that. He steps forward and grabs my throat and squeezed it in his hand and says don't ever push me.

Just typing this it's hard to writing I'm literally shaking as I'm typing because when this happened I was terrified. I was banging the floor hoping someone would come up and stop him and help me. No one ever came up... He finally let go and left me upstairs coughing trying to catch my breath. I was physically shaking all over with tears pouring down my face. I couldn't figure out what I did to deserve this. Was I being to selfish? Did I not do something that he wanted me to do? Should I have neglected my sleep and stayed up with them? I didn't blame him for choking me until recently when I came to the realization that it wasn't entirely my fault. He did leave marks on my neck both times he got physical. The second time he got physical I don't remember what lead up to the attack but this one was worse. He pinned me by my neck to the sofa I got away then he tripped me and knocked me into a chair and pinned me to the floor then again he let go and just walked away. I had bruises on my neck, my rib cage, both of my arms from him pinning me to the floor, I had a small cut on my head from when I fell and I had a bruise on my back from a object on the floor that I was pinned against.

People that I worked with did ask many times what happened and I kept on changing the subject and I never told them about what happened. Then a few weeks after the incident I went and drank with some co-workers and we were all chilling and hanging out when it hit me about what had happened. I was just about in tears, I don't cry in front of people so this was a big deal, telling one person what L had did to me. The person told me that I should leave L and he understood why I didn't want to leave because I still loved L very much but one thing about that night has stuck with me. The person that I confided in told me 'Do what makes you happy and focus on that.' That has literally stuck with me since that night in late September.

I blamed myself for so long for what happened to me. I let what L did to me eat away at me until I was just a hollow shell of a person. I cried myself to sleep many night because I was afraid that he was going to do it again and it was going to be a lot worse. I tried so hard to talk to him about it and again every time I talked he shot me down or got more sucked into his phone, Netflix or a game. I was the least of his concern.

Going through what I did with him was not easy we were together for 4 1/2 years until we broke up this past spring. What I wish I understood was why? Why do that to someone that you supposedly love? Why cause them so much pain both mentally and physically? Just why?

I just wish that I could go back and left when the abuse first started but I can't no matter how hard I want to. The abuse is apart of who I am and I'm a stronger person for it. I may not feel strong all the time right now and I do have my bad days. I have cut myself since the break up and I'm not proud to admit that I did it.  The first step to heal myself is to admit that I do have a problem. That I do suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts and that's who I am. I will have to battle those thoughts and depression forever and I plan to not go back to it.

I plan to fight the darkness and not let it win!