The next Chapter

Now I will shift from my childhood mental abuse from my dad to a mix of physical and mental/emotional abuse from my ex-boyfriend who I will call 'L'.

L and I started dating our senior year of high school and we were planning our future together all the way up to about August 2014. Up until that point I have 100% no doubt that he was the man I was going to marry and have a family with. In August of 2014 he decided that it was in our best interest  to move us from Lockhart to Buda with his parents and his 3 younger siblings.

For me it was really hard to be around so many people what felt like all the time. Growing up I felt like an only child, I didn't have many friends till I was 16 so I was alone most of the time. I would find ways to entertain myself and I was so use to it being me, myself and I. Like I told L after the break up yes I have a family growing up but we weren't really a family. We were all like roommates if even that. So going from a not really family type of living to family all around you living was hard for me.

What no one could really respect was the fact that I wanted my space and that I was uncomfortable being around so many people. Even now just thinking about how they were around so much its making it hard for me to breath because I feel so overwhelmed. I never really understood why I would get angry at times when it came to his family until after the brake up and I gave it some thought. 

I actually didn't mind living there for a few months...well from August 2014-January 2015. Then in January I found out that L was keeping something from me since we moved in over there. L finally told me that he was smoking weed with his sister. I was upset but not about the weed part I didn't really care about that. I was upset about 3 things. 

1. He hid this so well from me for several months, so what else is he hiding?

2. That his sister was doing it with him and I thought mine and her relationship was good enough that we would be able to talk about this.

3. That again he was doing it with his sister! He would sneak out when I was asleep and go to the garage with her and smoke.

There were times that I would wake up and not find him in our room and I would ask him about it and he would take a second to think of something to make up. When I did find out I wanted to do it with him because he had distanced himself from me and I wanted to close that gap between us. So I did it with him multiple times to get close to him. At the time I was applying for jobs at multiple places and I lost out of a job because of this. He said sorry that it cost the job but pretty much said it was my own damn fault because I choose to do it and that I was a dumb ass for doing it while applying for jobs. Which ya I know that but he and his sister were the ones that brought it to me.

I know that if it was the other way around he would be just as angry as I was, but I wasn't allowed to be angry at him? I could only be angry at myself because he made me feel like that was 100% my fault. After I found out about this secret I wondered what else he was keeping from me. For me trust is something that I don't give out easily and most people even family only get one chance with my trust. L broke my trust and he never showed me why he should get my trust back.

We tried to get back to "normal" but nothing was the same. L was a lot more distant with me and everyone really. I would try to talk to him about anything  and he would shut me out. I would make suggestions on things to do like going to the park with our dog or going out to the movies or an arcade or something as long as it wasn't inside the house. He would say ya maybe or 99% of the time he shot me down and said that those are stupid and that I was stupid for wanting to doing that when we had Netflix and gaming systems at the house. It was like that for as long as I could remember.

For the Fourth of July 2015 his family and I all took a road trip to Florida. I was starting to get severe knee pain, that I later found out was because a torn meniscus, and being in a cramped car with my knee in a constant bend was extremely painful. So when we would get out and walk around I had a brace on and I was in extreme pain and I couldn't walk that much. I didn't want to be the person everyone was waiting on so I pushed myself through the pain. Most of the trip I was almost in tears because of the pain and I went through over 30 Aleve tablets in 3 days and it wasn't helping much.

Again to him I was still suppose to be happy and have a great time and not be taking breaks and that my pain was all in my head. So I shouldn't be mad or anything like that, but I was mad. I was mad that I was in pain and nobody really cared. I was mad that if a stopped to rest my knee him and his siblings would roll their eyes at me. They made me feel guilty for looking out as best as I could for my own health. While I was still in Florida I made an appointment for the day or two after we got back

When we got back from the trip that's when the physical abuse happened. It only happened twice and I blocked out most of the details but there was a time where I remember what led up to it. We were upstairs in our living room area and he was mad that I wanted to sleep since it was like 12 am and I choose sleep over hanging out with his family from Houston. I was arguing how they all were being extremely loud and that I needed to sleep some before work at 10 am. He came back and called me a lazy piece of trash. I was the one that initiated physical contact first by giving he a small shove and saying don't call me that. He steps forward and grabs my throat and squeezed it in his hand and says don't ever push me.

Just typing this it's hard to writing I'm literally shaking as I'm typing because when this happened I was terrified. I was banging the floor hoping someone would come up and stop him and help me. No one ever came up... He finally let go and left me upstairs coughing trying to catch my breath. I was physically shaking all over with tears pouring down my face. I couldn't figure out what I did to deserve this. Was I being to selfish? Did I not do something that he wanted me to do? Should I have neglected my sleep and stayed up with them? I didn't blame him for choking me until recently when I came to the realization that it wasn't entirely my fault. He did leave marks on my neck both times he got physical. The second time he got physical I don't remember what lead up to the attack but this one was worse. He pinned me by my neck to the sofa I got away then he tripped me and knocked me into a chair and pinned me to the floor then again he let go and just walked away. I had bruises on my neck, my rib cage, both of my arms from him pinning me to the floor, I had a small cut on my head from when I fell and I had a bruise on my back from a object on the floor that I was pinned against.

People that I worked with did ask many times what happened and I kept on changing the subject and I never told them about what happened. Then a few weeks after the incident I went and drank with some co-workers and we were all chilling and hanging out when it hit me about what had happened. I was just about in tears, I don't cry in front of people so this was a big deal, telling one person what L had did to me. The person told me that I should leave L and he understood why I didn't want to leave because I still loved L very much but one thing about that night has stuck with me. The person that I confided in told me 'Do what makes you happy and focus on that.' That has literally stuck with me since that night in late September.

I blamed myself for so long for what happened to me. I let what L did to me eat away at me until I was just a hollow shell of a person. I cried myself to sleep many night because I was afraid that he was going to do it again and it was going to be a lot worse. I tried so hard to talk to him about it and again every time I talked he shot me down or got more sucked into his phone, Netflix or a game. I was the least of his concern.

Going through what I did with him was not easy we were together for 4 1/2 years until we broke up this past spring. What I wish I understood was why? Why do that to someone that you supposedly love? Why cause them so much pain both mentally and physically? Just why?

I just wish that I could go back and left when the abuse first started but I can't no matter how hard I want to. The abuse is apart of who I am and I'm a stronger person for it. I may not feel strong all the time right now and I do have my bad days. I have cut myself since the break up and I'm not proud to admit that I did it.  The first step to heal myself is to admit that I do have a problem. That I do suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts and that's who I am. I will have to battle those thoughts and depression forever and I plan to not go back to it.

I plan to fight the darkness and not let it win!

First Chapter of my Past

First things first. I'm not writing this to seek any sorta attention or anything to that nature. I'm writing this to share my story of both physical and mental abuse and hoping that by sharing this I can help someone the way I wanted to be helped. 

For now please don't judge my grammar and spelling  because right now if I don't just type I will never be brave enough to actually publish this. My name is Rita and I'm 22 living just outside of Austin, Tx. Growing up I was that kind of person, and still am that person, who always takes care of the people around them. Constantly I put others first and make sure that they get everything they need in life. I was and am the strong person in my family.

When I was a child I grew up in a household that was constantly loud. I thank my older brother for shielding me away from it as much as he could. My father suffers from mood disorders and my mom, brother and I would never know what was going to set him off. Up until the time my brother joined the Navy and left home I never knew just how much he shielded me away from the destruction of my father.

The one time that I really remember that was scary to me was the time my dad threatened to kill my brother. 

I was about 8 at the time so a lot of details are still not clear to me, my brother was 16 or 17 and just got home from a friends house. I was being my little country girl self and playing with my horses just outside the house. My brother goes inside and maybe 5 minutes later I start to hear my dad yelling at him and my brother talking to him. I still don't know what was said but the next thing I see is my brother running out of the house saying he's sorry to me and getting in his truck and backing out. Then my dad comes out screaming and throws a rock and he's truck breaking the back glass and saying, what has always been in my head since that day, "If you ever set foot back on this property ever again I will F-ing kill you on the spot!" That day blew over the next day and my dad acted like nothing had ever happened. My brother on the other hand was never the same after then. He apologixed to me a billion times for letting that happen and even then i was just worried about him and not me. Shortly after that day happened he told me that he was joining the Navy when he turned 18, I would be 10, and that he hoped with him being gone our dad would be a better person.

He was wrong.

Almost imedetly after he left my dad started taking his anger and frustrations out on me mentally. And just for the record my father never phsycailly abused me or my mom to my knowlege. He was constatly calling me a fat peice of shit, a worthless peice of trash, a stupid whore that would getting pregnat by 15 and live under the bridge. He was constatly  ripping my down. I tried to not let him see how it affected me but at nights when those thoughts that he put in my head would come to surface i would cut myself because I would feel he was right. How could anyone every care about me? I have always been a bigger girl and things would get super crazy for me I would binge and purge my food or just binged until the numbness went away, even though it never does.

When I was in middle school and high school I joined band, choir, cheer-leading (in middle school only) and I joined Marine Corps Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps to seek my fathers blessing. My fathers approval was the one thing growing up that I would do anything for and its the one thing to this day that I never got. There are many times where his negativity would get the best of my and I would turn to the razor blade under my bed and cut my wrist and thighs. I got to be so well at covering and hiding them away that I'm sure none of my friends even the ones closest to me at the time never suspected a thing.

Even to this day its a very hard struggle not to give in to the darkness and its a constant fight against the darkness of cutting and binging. It's something that when I feel numb and depressed and that no one would truly miss me or even care if I was dead that I have to force myself to reach out to someone. That one person helps me out more then I could ever imagine even if I never tell him what's going on but just a simple conversation about anything would take my mind off of dragging the razor across my wrist and letting my blood  pour out. 

And to that person thank you for being here for me when I'm at my weakest. Now I'm starting a new chapter of my life being newly single and I'm building myself up after being torn down by my father and by my ex. I hope what I shared and will be sharing helps someone. Even if it helps just one person.