First things first. I'm not writing this to seek any sorta attention or anything to that nature. I'm writing this to share my story of both physical and mental abuse and hoping that by sharing this I can help someone the way I wanted to be helped.
For now please don't judge my grammar and spelling because right now if I don't just type I will never be brave enough to actually publish this. My name is Rita and I'm 22 living just outside of Austin, Tx. Growing up I was that kind of person, and still am that person, who always takes care of the people around them. Constantly I put others first and make sure that they get everything they need in life. I was and am the strong person in my family.
When I was a child I grew up in a household that was constantly loud. I thank my older brother for shielding me away from it as much as he could. My father suffers from mood disorders and my mom, brother and I would never know what was going to set him off. Up until the time my brother joined the Navy and left home I never knew just how much he shielded me away from the destruction of my father.
The one time that I really remember that was scary to me was the time my dad threatened to kill my brother.
I was about 8 at the time so a lot of details are still not clear to me, my brother was 16 or 17 and just got home from a friends house. I was being my little country girl self and playing with my horses just outside the house. My brother goes inside and maybe 5 minutes later I start to hear my dad yelling at him and my brother talking to him. I still don't know what was said but the next thing I see is my brother running out of the house saying he's sorry to me and getting in his truck and backing out. Then my dad comes out screaming and throws a rock and he's truck breaking the back glass and saying, what has always been in my head since that day, "If you ever set foot back on this property ever again I will F-ing kill you on the spot!" That day blew over the next day and my dad acted like nothing had ever happened. My brother on the other hand was never the same after then. He apologixed to me a billion times for letting that happen and even then i was just worried about him and not me. Shortly after that day happened he told me that he was joining the Navy when he turned 18, I would be 10, and that he hoped with him being gone our dad would be a better person.
He was wrong.
Almost imedetly after he left my dad started taking his anger and frustrations out on me mentally. And just for the record my father never phsycailly abused me or my mom to my knowlege. He was constatly calling me a fat peice of shit, a worthless peice of trash, a stupid whore that would getting pregnat by 15 and live under the bridge. He was constatly ripping my down. I tried to not let him see how it affected me but at nights when those thoughts that he put in my head would come to surface i would cut myself because I would feel he was right. How could anyone every care about me? I have always been a bigger girl and things would get super crazy for me I would binge and purge my food or just binged until the numbness went away, even though it never does.
When I was in middle school and high school I joined band, choir, cheer-leading (in middle school only) and I joined Marine Corps Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps to seek my fathers blessing. My fathers approval was the one thing growing up that I would do anything for and its the one thing to this day that I never got. There are many times where his negativity would get the best of my and I would turn to the razor blade under my bed and cut my wrist and thighs. I got to be so well at covering and hiding them away that I'm sure none of my friends even the ones closest to me at the time never suspected a thing.
Even to this day its a very hard struggle not to give in to the darkness and its a constant fight against the darkness of cutting and binging. It's something that when I feel numb and depressed and that no one would truly miss me or even care if I was dead that I have to force myself to reach out to someone. That one person helps me out more then I could ever imagine even if I never tell him what's going on but just a simple conversation about anything would take my mind off of dragging the razor across my wrist and letting my blood pour out.
And to that person thank you for being here for me when I'm at my weakest. Now I'm starting a new chapter of my life being newly single and I'm building myself up after being torn down by my father and by my ex. I hope what I shared and will be sharing helps someone. Even if it helps just one person.
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